My head is spinning

I’m sitting here in child pose writing this post with my head spinning.  Next to me is a almost new BERNINA sewing machine.  Something only dreams are made of.  This thing humbles me as I stare at it’s usb ports and free standing case with about 15 different foots.  Up to now I have been sewing on a 80.00 sewing machine the church bought me six years ago when I designed costumes for a production.  ( I knew writing would help me get my head straight.  Must sit up in normal position to finish post)

This week has been crazy.  My mother received horrible news that she had dementia that sent her in a downward spiral.  She went to bed crying not sure if she could continue living with this news.  She woke up crying and all hope seemed loss.  This would not be the only illness as she suffers with fibromyalgia and a slew of others.  I dropped everything and packed up to go see my mom.  The next day we went to go get a second opinion and the dementia specialist said that the other doctor was crazy.  That there is no way that my  mom has dementia.  A huge relief came  over us as we praised God for the quickest recovery of dementia in history.

My sister has been living in a moldy trailer for years and we have been trying to get her to move out.  Her kids get sick and she has had to babies die in womb.  One at almost 7 months and one at 4 months.  My parents paid for a mold inspector finally after all this time because she is pregnant again.  We at first were told with twins but on the same day my mom got her good news we found out there is just one and the other sack has disappeared.  The mold inspector said the place is really toxic and no one should be living there.  I wish they would move.  I don’t understand why they stay, why they hold on to something that is so bad for their family. Why she continues to work three jobs as her husband sleeps on the couch all day.  Why… Oh so many why’s.

Last week we had to put my grandmother in a nursing home.  She keeps calling my mom begging to go home.  This is how the sewing machine to end all sewing machines ended up in my care.  I’m torn inside not just from everything going on in my life but, from a moral dilemma of this machine.  I know my grandmother didn’t want to give it up.  Yet she gave it to me and then told me that I had to change the world with it.  And to send her pictures of all the kids I am saving with it.  That is a huge mandate.  I’m not sure I can even turn this thing on.

Life seems to be going a hundred miles an hour and all I can do is cry out to my living God and depend on him that he has a purpose for all of this.  That he will turn beauty from my mothers pain.  That my grandma will make friends and not be lonely anymore.  That my sister will make better choices for her and her kids.  And that I will change the world and with one sewing machine and all the passion that is inside of me.

From one artist with a mess to others



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