To be or not to be…

Me dancing with Sister Eva in India at the orphanage we worked at

The interesting thing about changing the world is that it’s not that easy.  I wake up every morning with the great intention of making a difference.  Someday’s I dream of speaking in front of thousands of people in stadiums telling them my story of how I once was an addict and was so lost in life.  And now I am a mom of three who…   See that’s just it.  I have all these dream and wants.  I get a new business idea every day.  And a new idea that could possibly be the end to ___.  But around 7:30am after my third cup of coffee and the carpooling of the kids start I get lost.  I day-dream on the way to their school, on the way to Costco, on the way to karate, soccer, youth group about all the books I could write, all the business I could start all the infinite ways I could change the world. Each day my time get’s lost in the business of the daily task.  These task that don’t seem to mean much.  The umpteen loads of laundry, the meals, the dishes, the ironing and all the other chores that if left ignored start to scream out for my attention.  Yet when these daunting task are done and accomplished, they leave me unfulfilled.  It’s not like when I was in India feeding orphans and preaching in huts.  Or when I was producing the Thorn and bringing thousands of people closer to God by showing his story in a broadway play.  It’s just day in day out life.

The thing is I have one idea that has sat with me for years.  Well, to be truthful a few ideas that just won’t go away.  But, this one idea I know that I need to act.  The thing is even though I know that’s what I should be doing, I don’t.  I know I should be researching,writing, learning, building working on this idea.  Yet, I find myself trying to make something for my Etsy store which has to this point made me a whopping $20.00 in the last year.  Which I know I spent more on materials for “the project”.  You know “the project” that everyone is going to want to buy and tell all their friends about.  Which this weekend I stumbled onto yet another “Big Star” project.

Even at the end of the day if I was a big Etsy star I know, sooner or later, it would tire on me.  I would start to hate making, whatever it is that everyone wants.  So what do I do?  I want to travel and see the world.  Yet I have three kids in all different schools and ages.  I want to change the world and rescue the slaves.  Yet I have laundry the piles up faster.  I want to be famous and be known for something great.  Yet, I am too afraid to step out.

Will I spend each day day-dreaming about the person I wish I was?  I sure hope not.  I sure hope that one day I get tired of thinking about what could be and that I find a way to make it happen.

Until then…



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